I keep having these crushing pains in my chest. Thing is- they aren’t signs of a physical malfunction- they are signs of an emotioanl malfunction. Ever since Max started kindergarten, I have this sense of impending doom. I can’t shake it. I don’t know if it’s because he’s now in a group with other kids who run freely and who’s parents have no doubt that they will see thier child graduate…I really don’t know what it is.

I went to his halloween party a few weeks ago- and while I had a great time watching him- I just kept thinking- how many more of these do I have? Impending doom- I just can’t describe it any other way. How is it gonna feel if he dies? How is it gonna feel to say ” I had a son, he died”. I can’t breathe when I think about that. I haven’t felt this way in SO long…..and I don’t know how to shake it.

I have run through his funeral in my head a thousand times- it’s the reality of living with chronic kids…you do that sort of thing. How would I do it different than those who have gone before me…how would I do it the same. How in the hell would I do it at all?

I feel so lost and alone in this. What would it be like to have few if any REAL worries? I worry about gut wrenching, life altering things every.single.day…..this can’t be good- but how could it ever change?

Max is so smart and funny- he’s the light of my life….how could I ever live without him?

The last 3 days I have attended a ‘Focused Living’ retreat at my church. I joined this church when I moved to Florida- and so far so good. This weekend was all about turning our focus from what we think ‘we’ want to achieve and what’s best for our lives…and what God wants for our lives. We spent time clearing our minds of all the baggage fromt he past by charting it out and seeing how all of those lessons have influenced the person you are today and the purpose that God has for you.

After much thought and work over the last 3 days- I have had my eyes opened to a goal/ purpose that I certainly hadn’t ever thought about. My vision for what God has planned for me is to use my gifts, as the parent of 2 special needs children, to form a web of support (groups, meeting, informationals,on-line, etc) for other parents who are dealing with their childrens special educational needs, physical impairments, etc.

As I was thinking about my vision statement last night, a note that Max’s teacher sent me jumped out- and I had my ” Oprah A-Ha” moment- the note said ” Here are the forms that need filled out, that you for being such a good and involved parent” The part that jumped out was that the teacher was praising me for asking for something very simple- which tells me, other parents aren’t doing it…other parents either don’t know- or don’t know they should care enough to be a voice for thier children. I am an advocate for my little ones- they deserve a voice, and as a parent- it is my job to make sure they are given every opportunity to succeed in school and in life.

I KNOW this is what I am supposed to do. The emotional part of special needs parenting always gets lost in the shuffle of ‘life’ in a special needs household- many caregivers put themselves absolutely last on the list of priorities- and that’s not the way it should be. I have the energy and ability to at least offer people an outlet- and a forum for discussing what matters most to them.

I’ll update here about my progress toward this most important of goals.

So how about I’m having a really bad night. I think I had an anxiety attack about a half an hour ago- one of three that I can remember having in my life- and I’m feeling super super bad about the parent I am right now.

I’ve been on my own with the kids for a little over 2 months now- and I’m at the end of my rope. I get very little down time- and I find myself screaming at them….screaming…not yelling- not fussing- SCREAMING. I hate that. We moved down here so that I could spend this time with them, and I am squandering it by being mad and overwhelmed all the time.

This house is ALWAYS a mess- they spilled at least 4 things just today- kool-aid and pop…you name it. Adrienne crushed food all over the place….then- to top it all of, she broke the shower…we have no stopper for the tub and now she broke the latch on the shower, so I can’t use it either. I absolutely lost it on that one….I have not taught them to respect anyhting- I just hand them everything- clean up all their messes and let them go on being monsters. I have only myself to blame for this. I just sat by the tub and sobbed, because I’m sick of it…just tired.

How did I become such a poor excuse for a parent…how did this happen. My parents were EXTREME in the other direction- we were afraid to breathe in our house growing up….I don’t want it to be that way…

But where is the in-between? HOw do I get to the point where I have guilt-free, scream-free parenting…

Where are all the perfect parents- how in the hell do I become one?

I’m back! I finally have internet access here in po-dunk land.

Ok- so we survived ” Operation Live with Friends who have no kids”- now we are in the twilight zone of – you CAN come back home again- and staying with my parents. The upgrades are as follows: They love us- so they MUST put up with us. Their house is set up for kids- namely- MINE, they have a POOL, they will feed us if we don’t want to buy food ( I do, but if I didn’t want to…hey), my mommy will do my laundry if I leave it laying around long enough, when my kids get up in the morning, my parents feed them breakfast while I lay in my bed. Ok- the only downgrade is: We’re STAYING WITH MY PARENTS…..I love them, but…there is a reason ( about 50 of them) that we have lived 2 hours away from them for the last 10 years.

They are lovely people who have some major, major control issues ( hey, I didn’t get this way all by myself!) Thye seem to forget that I did happen to give birth to the children running around the house- and well, I hand;e the discipline on a regular basis…..I have resigned myself to just letting it go for the time being. They mean well- they are accepting us as we are, and welll….I have no where else to go.

On the new house front- things are going well. Darius went to Florida this week to see how things were progressing, and we are just about there.  We won’t have a kitchen until the end of August at the earliest- so we will just go with it and make the best of it. My requirement was a fully functioning bathroom, new walls and ceilings and somthing done with the floor- and all of those things will be done- so I ” get what I get and don’t throw a fit”!- that’s what we tell the kids anyway.

On a sad note- negotiations with my step-daughters mom fell apart- she won’t agree to anything, and our attorney says that since we still have no order for a GAL ( guardian ad lidem)- we will likely not be taking Allie to Florida with us- at least not this school year. IT makes me really, really sad- but we knew going into this that time was our enemy. We haven’t lost yet- but depending ont he GAL’s backlog- they might not even get around to interviewing anyone until early August, then they have to write up a report, submit it to the judge and get us all back in fromt of him—before 8/17…the likelihood is slim to none that it will happen.

I have to go to my happy place on that one- because I know what would be best for Allie- and staying in Ohio, is NOT it. Darius and I are hoping that perhaps one quarter of school with her mom at the helm will be enought to convince EVERYONE that Allie is not in a good place. While I won’t wish for Allie to fail, my hopes of her actally succeeding under her mom’s care are very dim. I try to be an optimistic person, but even this one is tough for me.

Ok- you’re all caught up. I on;y have this week with internet access- so you’ll likely see a lot of posts, then another 2 week break….then you’ll get more of me than you can stand!!

My daughter has lost her mind. I know- hard to believe at 21 months old….but I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the only explanation for what I can best describe as her ‘current psychosis.’

Each morning starts with a scream… ” MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOmmy”- I run to her rescue ( remember, we are still staying with someone) Then starts the litany of demands” I wanna drink, I hungry”- I get her a drink- she SCREAMS ” NO DRINK!!!!!!!”- she runs from me when I try to change her diaper or put clothing on…she screams when I try to get her shoes on…she lays down on the floor and becomes a dead weight when I try to get her out of the house…it’s ridiculous.

I finally get her to the daycare ( after enduring a 20 minute ride during which she scream the entire time about various things ( other cars, Max bothering her, the seat belt touching her)- she gets into the school and starts hugging and kissing everyone. I just throw my hands up and walk away.

We reverse this every evening and then throw in the right-before-bed-time-but-not-quite-bed-time twilight zone, where she is throwing things, yelling and generally being a menace. I swear if I hear ” No MOMMY” one more time, I may poke my eye out.

Solutions- I have none….We almost had to walk out of Bob Evans last weekend because her screaming was bothering other patrons…absolute insanity.

Is it just that I don’t remember my son acting this way….or is it this mystical, mysterious world of baby girls that I am experiencing full force for the first time.

Hmmm, or could it be poor parenting skill- my *first time pregnant* parenting expert friends have basically suggested such!

So by now you know we’re moving. When preparing to move, we agreed to end our lease a month early- and stay with friends. This benefitted us because we didn’t have to pay rent for the month of June- and this benefitted the landlord/new tenants, because it worked with their schedule.

I asked the new tenants to continue to accept our mail for the month of June. They happily agreed to do so. This kept us from having to forward our mail twice in 2 months. The first week after our move out-no mail. We stop at the house and the tenants say ‘nothing has come’- odd- becuase we ALWAYS have medical bills- never fails…ALWAYS. So on Saturday I go to the post office. The lady says ” oh, well- the carrier thought you moved out, so we’re holding your mail.” Ok- we didn’t fill out any paperwork- I don’t even know what the mail person looks like ( so how would he know that we’ve moved out, since we’ve never even MET!!!!!!!)…and how do they just decide that they figure we’ve moved out- and hey- their mail can just sit here for awhile.

So I kindly inform her that we want our mail going where it is addressed- ” No problem”

Next week- groundhog day- the exact same thing happens. No mail. We go BACK to the post office- new person- same story…and this time they REFUSE to deliver the mail- because despite repeated requests for them to deliver our mail as addressed- they have decided that we are just shady enough to need our mail held at the post office for safe keeping.

I just don’t get it…and if they delay my stimulus check delivery- there will be major, major problems….

Wait- did I just issue a threat to the post office???? Damn- now my mail is going to be opened before it’s delivered.

It seems to be the story of my life…always some sort of baby mama drama! I’m not sorry that my husband has children outside of our marriage…they have been nothing but a benefit to my life. However…where there is a baby ( or in this case- an adolescent)- there must be a mama.

As far as Baby Mama’s go- I didn’t get the worst- not by a long shot…I have heard of women who will hide their children, run away with them, abandon them, physically assult the other parent, etc…we’ve not had to deal with any of that…so I know that overall- I have it pretty good…HOWEVER..the on-going drama with S1 is starting to wear on a nerve….and by ‘a’ nerve…I mean my last one.

We filed paperwork with the county court to take Allie with us to Florida to live during the school year. I can totally understand S1’s resistance…really, I can…..BUT…she has now just started getting outright nasty and hostile. I can admit that I have no odea how I would feel in her shoes, because I’ve never walked in them….but honestly- the personal attacks and dramatics are slightly more than I am prepared to deal with at this time.

At the end of the day I am aware that this is par for the course, and we’ll have to take a bit of ‘war of the roses’ tactics along the way…but god how I want it to be over. I’m a pretty peacful person- so thing goes right against the grain for me.

I suppose I just have to remember that doing the best thing…is rarely the same as doing the easy thing….

We are currently staying with friends. It’s such a weird, weird thing…’staying’ with someone…you are living there…but you are a guest. All of your normal routines are disrupted, all of your comfort zones are obliterated…you must live in that pergatory between ‘home’ and ‘hotel’.

Our current hosts ( who are wonderful for putting up with us, BTW)- are clean people. They are people with no children…imagine it. They get up when they want…they go to bed when they want…they wash each dish after they use it ( YIKES). Our kids are accustomed to one kind of lifestyle….laaaaiiiiiidddd back. We have very few rules, very few boundries…we just LIVE. Our lives have been filled with so many trips to the hospital and doctors office, that I quit caring about dishes and laundry a long, long time ago.

Our kids eat dougnuts for breakfast….in my current working state…I say things like “Ok, you are to choose a dougnut, a chocolate chip muffin or a toaster streudel for breakfast and we are going out the door….grab your Capri Sun!!!!!!!”….our hosts look at me in horror, for you see our hostess is pregnant- and her preshus will eat whole grains and organic fruit. She scoffed at my loaf of white bread the other day….I just smiled that BTDT smile and kept walking…….I CAN NOT wait until she has her baby…CAN NOT WAIT….wash every dish….never put stinky diapers in the bathroom trash can and ignore them for days ( ’cause god knows, the smell quit bothering you years ago….)…..it’s crackin me up.

But you know, I used to have lofty dreams of clean houses and well behaved children. I was super step-mom before I gave birth…these days…I aim to fly right below the radar…make sure the kids are bathed now and then, give them their meds…never sweat the small stuff….and it’s ALL small stuff

I thought it would be a good time in my life to start a blog. I have a myspace page…which is fine…but really, there is only so much to share when your audience is posting surveys with questions like:

Pizza or Pasta?

and serious artwork like:

Watch me morph into Michael Jackson!!!

So here I am…putting my thoughts on the internet for anyone to see… I was trying to decide exactly how much I wanted the world to know…should I tell yout hat my dad is dying? Hmmm, should I tell you that our huge move is freaking me out…I don’t know.

Should I tell you that the thought of going to court with S1 is terrifying….maybe I should explain who S1 and S2 are!!! My husband had some darling daughters with 2 ladies before we were married…or even met for that matter…momma of the oldest can be S1, and momma of the youngest can be S2…convenient that they are both S’s….

Enough for now..stay tuned….