Some Days….

I keep having these crushing pains in my chest. Thing is- they aren’t signs of a physical malfunction- they are signs of an emotioanl malfunction. Ever since Max started kindergarten, I have this sense of impending doom. I can’t shake it. I don’t know if it’s because he’s now in a group with other kids who run freely and who’s parents have no doubt that they will see thier child graduate…I really don’t know what it is.

I went to his halloween party a few weeks ago- and while I had a great time watching him- I just kept thinking- how many more of these do I have? Impending doom- I just can’t describe it any other way. How is it gonna feel if he dies? How is it gonna feel to say ” I had a son, he died”. I can’t breathe when I think about that. I haven’t felt this way in SO long…..and I don’t know how to shake it.

I have run through his funeral in my head a thousand times- it’s the reality of living with chronic kids…you do that sort of thing. How would I do it different than those who have gone before me…how would I do it the same. How in the hell would I do it at all?

I feel so lost and alone in this. What would it be like to have few if any REAL worries? I worry about gut wrenching, life altering things every.single.day…..this can’t be good- but how could it ever change?

Max is so smart and funny- he’s the light of my life….how could I ever live without him?