What now…

So how about I’m having a really bad night. I think I had an anxiety attack about a half an hour ago- one of three that I can remember having in my life- and I’m feeling super super bad about the parent I am right now.

I’ve been on my own with the kids for a little over 2 months now- and I’m at the end of my rope. I get very little down time- and I find myself screaming at them….screaming…not yelling- not fussing- SCREAMING. I hate that. We moved down here so that I could spend this time with them, and I am squandering it by being mad and overwhelmed all the time.

This house is ALWAYS a mess- they spilled at least 4 things just today- kool-aid and pop…you name it. Adrienne crushed food all over the place….then- to top it all of, she broke the shower…we have no stopper for the tub and now she broke the latch on the shower, so I can’t use it either. I absolutely lost it on that one….I have not taught them to respect anyhting- I just hand them everything- clean up all their messes and let them go on being monsters. I have only myself to blame for this. I just sat by the tub and sobbed, because I’m sick of it…just tired.

How did I become such a poor excuse for a parent…how did this happen. My parents were EXTREME in the other direction- we were afraid to breathe in our house growing up….I don’t want it to be that way…

But where is the in-between? HOw do I get to the point where I have guilt-free, scream-free parenting…

Where are all the perfect parents- how in the hell do I become one?