An awakening…..

The last 3 days I have attended a ‘Focused Living’ retreat at my church. I joined this church when I moved to Florida- and so far so good. This weekend was all about turning our focus from what we think ‘we’ want to achieve and what’s best for our lives…and what God wants for our lives. We spent time clearing our minds of all the baggage fromt he past by charting it out and seeing how all of those lessons have influenced the person you are today and the purpose that God has for you.

After much thought and work over the last 3 days- I have had my eyes opened to a goal/ purpose that I certainly hadn’t ever thought about. My vision for what God has planned for me is to use my gifts, as the parent of 2 special needs children, to form a web of support (groups, meeting, informationals,on-line, etc) for other parents who are dealing with their childrens special educational needs, physical impairments, etc.

As I was thinking about my vision statement last night, a note that Max’s teacher sent me jumped out- and I had my ” Oprah A-Ha” moment- the note said ” Here are the forms that need filled out, that you for being such a good and involved parent” The part that jumped out was that the teacher was praising me for asking for something very simple- which tells me, other parents aren’t doing it…other parents either don’t know- or don’t know they should care enough to be a voice for thier children. I am an advocate for my little ones- they deserve a voice, and as a parent- it is my job to make sure they are given every opportunity to succeed in school and in life.

I KNOW this is what I am supposed to do. The emotional part of special needs parenting always gets lost in the shuffle of ‘life’ in a special needs household- many caregivers put themselves absolutely last on the list of priorities- and that’s not the way it should be. I have the energy and ability to at least offer people an outlet- and a forum for discussing what matters most to them.

I’ll update here about my progress toward this most important of goals.

What now…

So how about I’m having a really bad night. I think I had an anxiety attack about a half an hour ago- one of three that I can remember having in my life- and I’m feeling super super bad about the parent I am right now.

I’ve been on my own with the kids for a little over 2 months now- and I’m at the end of my rope. I get very little down time- and I find myself screaming at them….screaming…not yelling- not fussing- SCREAMING. I hate that. We moved down here so that I could spend this time with them, and I am squandering it by being mad and overwhelmed all the time.

This house is ALWAYS a mess- they spilled at least 4 things just today- kool-aid and pop…you name it. Adrienne crushed food all over the place….then- to top it all of, she broke the shower…we have no stopper for the tub and now she broke the latch on the shower, so I can’t use it either. I absolutely lost it on that one….I have not taught them to respect anyhting- I just hand them everything- clean up all their messes and let them go on being monsters. I have only myself to blame for this. I just sat by the tub and sobbed, because I’m sick of it…just tired.

How did I become such a poor excuse for a parent…how did this happen. My parents were EXTREME in the other direction- we were afraid to breathe in our house growing up….I don’t want it to be that way…

But where is the in-between? HOw do I get to the point where I have guilt-free, scream-free parenting…

Where are all the perfect parents- how in the hell do I become one?

Hello All

I’m back! I finally have internet access here in po-dunk land.